after the glitter fades

there are the days where i spend what feels like my entire day on the trains or buses. on the days when facebook or emailing on my blackberry, and streaming pandora, and the book i'm reading just isn't enough substance.. i can't help myself but to stare out the window and reflect.. over think and even get emotional sometimes.. (i swear people look at me as i'm weird).. and as i'm sitting there watching this beautiful city pass me by, i start to think whether i'm truly happy. the older i get the more i spend my free time really reflecting about where i'm at. i am so lucky for everything i have in life and I surely count my blessing everyday for the things i have but seem to always still feel lost and wanting more.

i'm a planner. anyone who's ever met me knows that i must know whats going to happen down to the minute and right now for one of the first times in my life i don't really have a plan. and to be honest it's kinda scary. i know what i'm doing tonight.. i've planned out my "gabe and sar-ahhh saturday of nothingness" tomorrow even.. the craft fair on sunday.. planned out what i'm doing for gabe's birthday..and even knew what i'm going to be for halloween months ago.. what the hell am i going to do with my life. schools out..a different apartment.. movings an option..

deep down where do i want to end up?

maybe it is the smaller things in life that i'm missing?

the plan was to always experience living in the big city.. and i almost feel like my experience has run it's course..as much as i love this big city and everything it has given me.. i'm tired... i don't feel like i can keep up anymore.. i want to slow down.


when i was younger it seemed like all i cared about was finishing school, and buying the fancy clothes.. and those new heels and where my friends and i were going out that night. i over looked things like simply baking banana bread for gabe because it would make him smile. playing at the playground with my nephew and niece or spending a sunday dinner with my mom or doing her makeup.. being in the sister and brother in law's theater productions.


i think my glitters fading...

i long for a change..